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I have four books on my plate now that all have chapters about the calculating self (ego, false self, world self) and the central self (authentic self, true self). I call it my heart voice. (From Celebrating Women’s Voices, p. 15 & 24: “I had to practice stillness for some time before I could quiet my mind and listen for my heart voice; it was buried under so much practicality and learned productivity. Meditation brought me to the edge of a deep, flowing stream of heart thoughts. It surprised me that underneath the dis-ease of doing too much, beneath the layers of exhaustion, flows a river of calm and contentment, encouraging me to trust the rhythm of the present moment. When I quiet my mind and pull away from everything and everyone in order to enter this sacred inner space, I know that I am accepted, loved, and cherished just the way I am. When I am still, I know these things. This message usually precedes my heart voice speaking, which always aligns with my truest values and deepest aspirations.”
“The core of the ego (calculating self) is unconsciousness,” (Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth). We keep the ego strong with habitual and unconscious” complaining, reacting, attacking, labeling, taking everything personally, accusing, blaming, comparing and judging (always feeling inferior or superior), or when we confuse opinions and viewpoints with facts. This leads to resentment (and a feeling of entitlement); we stay in victim mode when we make ourselves the center of everything and make everyone else wrong. (p. 80) The ego always wants something “a hidden agenda” or becomes indifferent. The underlying emotion is fear. I was brought up short last fall in a conversation when I realized that I was using complaining as a problem-solving technique and getting nowhere.
I like the way Rosamund & Ben Zander explain this transformation from the calculating self to the centered self in their book, The Art of Possibility: “When one person peels away layers of opinion, entitlement, pride, and inflated self-description, others instantly feel the connection. We just don’t take ourselves so seriously or feel we have to be the center of everything by taking things personally. Now, with the calculating self revealed and humored, the central self shines through—the remarkably generative, prolific, creative, compassionate, free, and expressive nature of ourselves and the world that believes in openness and reciprocity on a level playing field. The centered self always appraises the whole situation without guile or agenda. Unlike the calculating self, the central self is neither a pattern of action nor a set of strategies. It does not need an identity; it is it own pure expression. It is confident that it can deal with whatever comes its way, it sees itself as permeable rather than vulnerable, and stays open to influence to the new and the unknown, believing in a cooperative universe.”
What am I learning from the synthesis of these ideas? I touch this authentic part of myself often and still have residual pockets of ego (fear, resistance, busyness/driven behavior) that need illumination and resolution. I’m in that place of clearing and listening deeply—drenching myself in possibility and deep breathing. What do I take seriously these days? Enriching connections with family and friends, this feeling of aliveness and wonder I’m experiencing this moment, the changing of seasons, and the opportunity for my itchy fingers to play in the dirt.
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